Blaedlocke

The End.

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 20:59:34 GMT

So... let's just say the last week has been awful and wonderful all at the same time. I should start farther back... but you can always ask me for details later! Long long long story short, I kind of dated someone for the last 2 years (he never actually asked me out- BITTER!) and we broke up in June. It was not fun. (oh, theme to Hana Kimi just came on!) First what I thought was reciprocated love and all that jazz. But we tried to be friends, but you know, the things he said just sounded mean when you're not hugged and cuddled with. Yeah, I know my arm fat jiggles, I've lost 20 pounds, thanks for noticing. I had thyroid problems that made it near impossible to lose weight, sorry I'm on the chubby side. It takes time to work it all off (I haven't seen the high side of 140 in over a month. Yay me.) So I'm not a great kisser, I'm sorry I didn't make out more with other people so that I was all practiced up for you. I'm sorry that I suck. I know he just meant it as a joke, because that's how he is, but when we weren't dating, it just hurts. I hear these jokes over and over again and I don't have any affirmation that it's a joke. I just have the words that hang over my head until I hate my body, I hate my emotions (which are so hard to control when I'm unhappy! Freakin' thyroid.) and I hate myself for being so proud as to think I deserved someone so great. I felt like nothing.

It took me months to realize that I'm not fat. I'm well within my healthy weight range and a size off from the ideal. It's okay that I'm not blonde. Some guys like brunettes! Who knew? And you know what? I only cried because his opinion mattered to me and his opinion of me was rarely positive if you listened to him speak. And it wasn't all bad, I can't say that. There was always some good that outweighed the bad but it was hard to acknowledge it without feeling like a flirt. It was awkward, I made all the plans, texted and called first every time and it hurt to get monosyllabic answers in response. Wasn't I still a good friend? Don't you talk to your good friends and make plans with them? That's all I wanted, and he didn't do it. He said he would try, he said a lot of things he didn't follow through with, not just that. Wasn't he listening to me? I was saying what I needed from my friend, and stressing myself out trying to be friends with someone who didn't want me anymore. Yeah, he was stressed with school and 2 jobs, but so am I! And I still tried to make time for him. Or at least showed some interest. Needless to say, our relationship was hurting me, even when we were "good" friends. We had some good days but more often it was just awkward. I just wanted my feelings to be respected as more than some high school crush but he couldn't do that. He couldn't realize that what I felt for him was serious and important to me. He kept treating it as a joke. I finally flipped after yet another night of crying myself to sleep.

He didn't say one word in response. Nothing. So I left him alone for a whole week, so we could both calm down. I text again a week later, and no response. I continue calling and texting trying to get some response and finally yesterday, I'm just crying and upset and want it to be all over. I just want to talk and see what I could have done to deserve to be ignored. He doesn't have a dog to kill and I never slept with his brother, so I can't imagine ignoring one of my best friends when they are begging me to talk. But I finally get a TEXT (he could have at least called me, yeesh) "Stop calling me. Stop texting me. I dont want to be your friend anymore.I tried but I'm sick of being the person you dump on. We're over. Move on with your life. End of conversation." God, I still cry just reading that again. But it makes me laugh a little. You 'tried'? When? When I asked you to call me more often and make plans with me and seem happier to see me? Because you didn't. Or to not make fun of me for being fat or being a bad kisser? You didn't. You brought me antacids, that was sweet. Thank you for surprising me with that, it made me happy, your concern is endearing. But I didn't want your concern, I wanted your respect, but you couldn't do it and I'll never understand why. I've never met a more petty, malicious person in my life and when you realized I had given you all I had to give and it wasn't good enough, you cut me out of your life. Sorry I saw your faults and told you about them. You weren't even mature enough to apologize for hurting me. Now that I'm out you can continue to think yourself perfect and never worry about my opinion again.

I only feel bad because you are the loneliest person I've ever met. After 3 years you never let me into your heart, and I am endearing and wonderful. You don't know what it is to lose someone important to you because you keep everyone at a distance. You are your own important person, and that's sad. I could never be that way. And I'm glad. You taught me how awesome I am, even if you never saw it.

The Day After Yesterday

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 18:06:57 GMT

Hey friends,

My birthday just kind of crept up on me and stabbed me in the back. Last week, I spent many a day coughing up pieces of my lungs, so my overall awareness of my surroundings was pretty minimal. On Saturday Dani stood outside me door, bouncing on her heels with a cheshire cat grin until I finally look at her. She shoves a magnificent little package in my hands bundled in hand-made wrapping paper and I stare, fully confused. "I know it's early, but Happy Birthday!" I smile back because it's polite and her energy is infecting me slightly. Five full seconds pass before I really, really realize that my birthday is on Monday. Saturday to Monday = 2 days. I open my gift (Disgaea 2 for PSP!) and giggle happily with my signature hacking cough.

So I work, and I sleep with the help of Nyquil, and Sunday night rolls around. I am lucky enough to enjoy a few hours of surprise DnD, I cough less than usual, and Katie wins the award for being first person to tell me happy birthday on my actual birthday. (She quietly kidnapped me but the ensuing chase scene that Dani iniated was amusing.) I sleep to the sounds of Twilight Princess Link hacking and barking his way through the desert temple where you get the Dreidel of Doom.

My birthday dawns and I sleep in until noon. (Dutifully taking my meds at 8 am, though.) I text out a message after formulating a plan to sup with a few close friends. I shower and make an appearance at class where they kick me out for my coughing. But not before I recieve a thoughtful gift of echinecea. :) I should mention at this point that the weather on this day is what I would consider the PERFECT day. Not too windy, warm enough that the brave may wear t-shirts, but a light jacket is preferred, the sun is gentle but not glaring. The word overcast could never be used to describe such an awesome, simple day. I go to the library to research a paper due on Tuesday (ick!) I return home, and attempt to beautify my sagging skin. Applebee's near 25th at 5:00pm, I enjoy being treated to a delicious meal by my loving ex-wife, now secret lover. (Three-cheese chickin penne.) Brad graciously allows me to open yet another package (Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days - really, who suggested that name?) I get a text from my wife in China! Very exciting, and very very happy! We retire to the Unicorn house (my current residence) and I begin to work on my paper while Kori plays Kingdom Hearts and Dani reads manga. About 15 minutes into my work, I realize that it is not a paper, but an essay question I need to write for my test on Thursday. Joy! I cough less and less throughout the evening while playing Mystery Date- Mall Edition. The cake smells lovely in the oven. The stupid phone is dying so we played at least 3 half games before figuring out that Matt wants to date one of us, but since the phone died and we couldn't call, we'll never know who ended up going out with that piece of jail bait.

After shoving 9 different completely new batteries in the back of the phone, we give up and Clue the DVD Game is unearthed to entertain us. We drink hot chocolate while the cake cools and we butcher the simple rules of a game I've played dozens of times, but it is fun, nonetheless. As the evening draws to a close, the wonderful Rheanna goes home to actually do her homework, but we gain Sir Andy and Princess Travis, so though we feel loss, we are comforted by new blood. I play Fatal Frame 2: Crimson Butterfly for a bit before Andy relates horrifying tales of the movie Paranormal Activity and Travis spews his uncanny knowledge of all things related to exorcism. The Fourth Kind trailer is watched and owls are now scary, scary things. Paranormal State is talked about, but a break to watch the long-winded Final Fantasy XIII trailer is welcome, and we express the proper criticism/excitement. Paranormal State "I am Six" episode is watched by Dani, Andy, and Kori, while Marie hides in the corner talking of the same darn thing in the corner with Travis. The three latched onto the laptop leave to acquire foodstuffs, Marie begs Travis to stay (who stopped by during a run and at this point caused a little worry by his long absence.) The Three return with Totino's pizza and Mountain Dew, essentials in any late night fright. Travis departs into the dark and Marie attempts to go to bed because morning is but round a very short corner. Alas, she is sucked into the second half of Paranormal State watching and must recite all her knowledge on demons she has absorbed from Shadow Hearts:Covenant and Solomon's Keys. Finally, she retires and falls asleep easily and unafraid, simply because she is too tired to fear (The Nightmare on Elm Street trailer we watched may beg to differ.)

It was a good day, full of surprise and good fun. (Back to first person now.) I saw and heard from many people that I love, and I deeply miss those that I could not spend the day with. I plan on secretly hijacking a Halloween party and declaring it my masked ball birthday party, but it could not compare to the delightful evening I enjoyed with so many good friends. :)

Whoops, forgot about Livejournal.

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 15:46:59 GMT

Hello world,

I think I have been so busy this summer that I forgot about livejournal completely. But that's how I deal with stress, I keep myself so busy I can't stop to think about what is bothering me. I had my first day off yesterday since the beginning of June. I mean, it was my first day in two months where I didn't have to work at one or both of my jobs, where I didn't have a 5 hours drive to Dickinson, or I didn't have company. I love company, but it was seriously nice to sleep in... and I worked every day that Alissa came to visit me. (I was really angry about that, because I wasn't supposed to...rawr) So I was pretty down and crabby yesterday because I finally had a day to breathe and it's followed by school starting. As of now, I still am holding down both of my jobs but at the end of September, I will decide if I can stay sane. I am still working hard at not deciding what to do with my future. It makes perfect sense, I know. I just hate applying for a Master's program and I am deciding if I can get a decent job without actually going to school for another two years. I am actually thinking that the real world might be good for me. It's crazy, I know. I should just suck it up and start applying but I just hate the whole process. If it was easy, more people would do it and it's a good way of thinning out the dedicated from the lazy... but I'm TIRED! I want something to come easy for once. I don't want to work my butt off to just survive.

Oh well, can't quit now! Gotta keep on going until I finally acheive some level of peace.

Day 4

Tue, 19 May 2009 03:53:49 GMT

AH!! I am so tired, but I am going to move to a 4 hour peeing schedule tonight. I hope that's okay... eep! But I need some deep sleep very badly and very soon. I can just tell that my body hates me for not sleeping enough, and naps just don't cut it. Hopefully, the four hour nightly will be okay and I can return to the 3 hour during the day... meep! Although, I am very excited to be able to eat at the table again tomorrow.

Hmm... what did I do today? I got up to pee a lot, took my pretty turquoise pill, drew out the plan for my room, ran outside for a bit (it was 80 degrees!!), and then went to church hour with my mom. Read the book of Judith... which is always entertaining, what with the decieving and head chopping. Now I am playing some Xenogears. Unfortunately, my new (old) PS2 will not play my discs, so I have little hope that it will play Ratchet and Clank. My PS2 is in much better condition, I can tell from the way it sounds and it's a darker color. The other one looks like it spent too much time in the sun or something. I should name them so it's less confusing... *sigh*

That was my day! Really, not very exciting... Still, STAR TREK TOMORROW!! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. But now I have a ton of cleaning and organizing to do so that I can actually fit all the important stuff into my room. :) I wonder how much manga I can squeeze on those book shelves I am bringing? heh heh.

On that note, I would like to say that I HATE moving out. I LOVE moving in or rearranging my room. It's impossible in my room at home because my dad built these huge oak (?some heavy wood) bunk beds that I would kill myself trying to move and a set of shelves that sits prefectly against my wall, so no need to rearrange. But I would like another desk space. I keep using a chair to type on because my TV takes up the whole computer corner. I could rearrange the shelve, I guess, but for another week, I will just keep using the chair.

Day 3

Mon, 18 May 2009 04:06:46 GMT

Today has been largely uneventful.

I have become more anxious about being trapped inside, but they let me out on the deck for a few hours, so that was nice. As I was telling Travis, I feel a lot like I am being house trained. They limit me to my little room and a litter box (bathroom) and sometimes let me outside, just to let me exercise. I come up to eat at my bowl far away from the actual table, but the plastic cups and utensils are animal themed, so I feel special. (my favorite is the leopard set, of course!!)

I spent the day kind of drifting around from outside to inside to bathroom, and even watched some TV for the first time in... weeks? Must not forget American Idol this week!! Phil of the Future just made my day, although, I never noticed just how campy the writing for that show was until I stopped staring at Ricky Ullman and actually listened to what he was saying. Good show, though. Also, I need more Family Guy in my life. Hmm... mom just left with Randy to go to Star Trek, so that is making me crazy jealous, but my PS3 might come in tomorrow!! That would be glorious. I have yet to try my new (old) PS2 to see if it works, but I wanted to check my boxes to see if I had Ratchet and Clank in there, but I think... no I know that box is at the house, because I have the box with PS1 games in it and R would fall alphabetically in the second box. Darn it. Oh well, only time will tell. If that fails, Randy has two extra PS2s on top of the one he actually uses. An old one (like mine and my new/old one) and a new one... but I have to stop just taking stuff from him...even though it would be convenienent and he sure doesn't use them anymore with his new 160GB PS3 and 42" TV (46"?? I can't remember, it's just big, okay?) I will test it tomorrow for basic functionality and move forward should it succeed.

I think I shall start calling them the Old Brother Christmas and Young Brother Christmas because one goes rummaging for me and the other gives me his really awesome, expensive hand-me-downs. :) Best. brothers. EVER!! And they love me on top of it, for some odd reason. I almost wish I was staying here for the summer so we could get some quality sibling DnD time in and some PS3 gaming, but I am really very excited to have roommates I am not related to! (Although, I WAS married to Dani once upon a time...) Okay, for how uneventful today was, I sure can write a lot of nothing! Thank you Dani and Brad for measuring the room!! I will keep you updated on my interior decorating, whether you care or not. And make you banana bread!

Whoa! 20 minutes to pee break and then bed! Got to go! (literally! hee hee, I funny stuff.)

Day 2 recap

Sun, 17 May 2009 18:17:42 GMT

Whoops I forgot to post yesterday, but it's all pretty much the same.

I really felt bummed yesterday because it hit me that I really couldn't be a part of my friends' graduations. Travis texted me during the ceremony, so that made me giggle. Same with Kristin with her loving support. Brad sent me a number of texts detailing his party so I felt missed. I need the support when I am trapped in my room. It's not fun. Especially after I holed myself up in the dorm room to get final projects finished. I just want to go outside and play with my dog or drink a cup of tea with Savara on my lap. Or pour myself a glass of milk. Simple things, really. I feel stifled but still cold from all the hypothyroidism. Tomorrow my pretty pills will really start kicking in and I've moved to a 3 hour bladder schedule, so the worst is over. Tomorrow I can wash all my sheets and Ani gets a bath,too. Fortunately, my radioactive iodine is fairly water soluable, so I can wash everything and it will be fine. I do it all again on Tuesday or Wednesday, just to be on the safe side.

And for the record, I WANTED to be there this weekend. I really did, but it had to be done for my health. I pushed myself like CRAZY to finish up and get my life in order before going in for cancer treatment. It's hard to understand if you've never gone through hypothyroidism before, but I assure you, I am doing a phenomenal job of keeping my spirits up and being able to do what I do. The loss of control over emotions, the extreme sensitivity to cold, the ridiculous amount of weight fluctuation, the tiredness and loss of focus, and most of all, the depression that grabs hold of you when you let your guard down. It took a toll on me, fighting it so hard, and now it feels good to rest. Most every doctor I've talked to has been absolutely amazed at my ability to keep on going without quitting with a smile on my face. Soon I will be chipper and in control again, but this whole experience has taught me who my reliable friends are. The people who don't shy away from my problems and pull me aside to tell me when I am being irrational, who cook me dinner when I am tired, and most of all, the ones who just let my cry without making me feel guilty about it and doing their best to cheer me up. I appreciate you! Please forgive me as I continue to rely on you while I get used to my meds and I apologize for crossing the "too much information" line more than once. Thank you for making me laugh. It's not over yet, but it's about to get much easier for us all. Thank you for all the hugs and for convincing me that 'I CAN DO THIS!' haha ha. Every note, every encouraging word, and your kind understanding really, really means a lot to me. Hopefully, this radiation gets all the cancer and I don't have another surgery and treatment ahead of me, but I know I will have your support either way! Thank you thank you!!

Now, I am going to go take my shower and test the $5 PS2 my brother bought me. Too bad I left Ratchet and Clank in Moorhead!!

Day 1

Sat, 16 May 2009 01:38:19 GMT

Hi again, still alive. Day 1 of my radioactive treatment now in effect!But first, an update on my life. This has been a busy, busy week. I managed to complete all of my finals and expect to do well this semester. Art 450 Concepts of Theory and Design: I finished all my readings (complete with outlines) and my 10 page paper and received a glowing review, I was unable to do a PowerPoint presentation for the class but I talked to her about it for a bit and she just loved my paper so much she gave me an A on both. I'll take that! It was a paper on whether or not video games should be considered art, so I suppose it was passionate. Art 405 Drawing Studio: I completed all my projects for the year. It was fun to go to class because my professor is so worried about me. He'd be like "Are you sure you have time, do you need to take an incomplete? Are you feeling well?" I did accidentally fall asleep during a 10 min break in his class but I would have made it through the rest of class. They were nice enough to kick me out early so I could go nap (for 3 hours. It was glorious.) I did well on my last project and I will post pictures of it because it's a fun concept. Well, fun in that it involves cancer. Eng 488 is the only class I feel that I did not "complete" to the best of my abilities. At the beginning of the year, I stated I wanted to make a 99 page start to a novel with possible illustrations. I handed in 44 pages and asked her about taking an incomplete because I will be secluded for a while. She said my writing was clean and strong enough that she didn't need to see anymore to know that I was more than capable of completely the project in a similar fashion, so don't take the incomplete. Project done. :) Yay!

I secured the room I want/need to live in, so that was a relief. I don't know if I would have had time to go looking for my own place!!! Then I got a job two days ago at the physical plant. It's only 20 hours a week for the summer, but it's in an office, so I am all for that. I still may consider taking on a second job (please Rock 30 love me?) for evenings and/or weekends. It's hard to tell when I will be back up to snuff, really, so that one is on the fence. I moved out of the dorms for the last time. It was a bit sad, but I was too tired to get emotional about it. I will miss my view and my next door neighbor of 4 years. It will hit me next year really hard when I realize I can't just waltz into Nelson/Grantham.

I suddenly got nervous this morning for the first time about being a radioactive being. I guess I have been so busy getting my life situated and finals, and moving that I really have not thought about it. The Doc was awesome and really impressed that I made it through the last week so successfully while dealing with extreme hypothyroidism. I guess I don't think all that much about it. Sure, it sucks a lot to be tired all the time, but I think I've been dealing with it for years now, so you just go on until you pass out or else nothing gets done. It is seriously the easiest procedure ever. They open a little metal case and give you a plastic cup with a pill so you don't touch it and then just down it. Jacki might have trouble with it, but it wasn't all that big of a pill... maybe medium size. And then they kick you out to go and terrorize the world!! J/K!!! I jumped into my car, and my mom into her van, and we made plans, she missed the turn to the interstate (I have been shepherding that woman all day. I am starting to think I am actually more dog than cat...) but it all worked out. Roads were kind of crappy because of all the wind and rain in some parts, but we made it to Jamestown where I parked at the gas station while momsy got me some McDonalds.

The worst part about this whole experience is that, for the next two days, I have to pee every 2 HOURS in order to keep the radioactive waste from destroying my ovaries. And you KNOW my parents are all like 'SAVE THE GRANDCHILDREN!!!!" so I am actually peeing every hour or so just to please them. But I can't go near children, so I have this dilemma in Jamestown that I CANNOT pee in a public place, such as a restaurant bathroom. So I am waiting for my mom at the gas station and reading my ND road map just to see where the more deserted public rest stops are so I can pee without killing children. My bad. This guy walks right up to my window (with a cigarette and matches- at a GAS station, nuff said) and asks if I am lost. Bloody North Dakota hospitality. I yell loudly that I am not lost but radioactive so he must stay away. .... ... ... ... I must have seemed like the craziest, most paranoid person on the planet. My mother comes in to save the day with my food directly after and I scurry off to take a radioactive pee. We get on the road and make it to Dickinson without further incident.

I override what I said earlier, the worst thing about this radioactive business is walking past my dog straining against his leash to get to me and NOT petting him. He just kept getting up and sitting and wagging his tail and following around in a circle as I went to the house with my bags. Then I had to do it AGAIN. It was awful. I mean, it was hard to wave at Farrah from a different car as Grandpa took her out to eat, but she was all freaked that I would kill her from that distance, so that's funny. I wish I could have heard that conversation. But my dog, he does not understand such things, so he was just excited to see me and he recognized my car and I JUST WANTED TO PET HIM!!! But I can't, so I keep on walking, feeling like the worst playmate in the whole world. I love my dog.

The evening has been uneventful, besides the rule that I must yell "unclean" everytime I leave my room to go to the bathroom. My mom yells "clean" when she crosses to get to the computer room. I am sure it must be offensive to someone somewhere, but I find it amusing. If I don't warn her that I am leaving my room, she screams and hides. I can hear her giggling from the other room, though. I have a picture drawn on my mirror in the bathroom labeled "Welcome home our little mutant!!!" My family is nothing if not humorous. They don't let me get too worried about anything. I am going to finish unpacking, take another pee break, then get 2 hours of sleep. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Also, Brad has pointed out that if I bite anyone, they will become Marieman, since I am like a radioactive spider. I cannot help but wonder what kind of superpowers I would bestow on others? It's an interesting thought. I can't remember what happened to the other people that got bitten by the radioactive spiders, but I think they all turned out like Spiderman. Of course, I could be entirely wrong. Spidey is not my bag o' tricks. I'd like to think Marieman would be cool because he'd get my talents... like playing video games and ignoring people while reading, or memorizing vast amounts of useless information on Cleopatra...but I don't see that comic selling well.

So here I am

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 05:07:09 GMT

Just listening to Kelly Clarkson, thinking about doing that massive animated movie quiz... hating being bound to taking medications. It bothers me more than I thought it would. I can never sleep in again. I could switch the time I take the meds from 9am/pm to 12am/pm but then I would have to take them with me to lunch or right after class or right before bed when i am stupid and I still have one I have to take 3 times a day so it's pretty pointless. I am going to be waking up earlier all the time and I have to deal with it. Also, my memory has gone to pot. I don't know if that's just from all the anesthetics and painkillers I've been on but I hope it's only temporary because I need my memory. I can't even properly remember character names right now. Characters I've created for writing or comics or whatever. How sad is that?

Still pretty chipper, though. It could be worse and my voice is mostly back now so people don't have to lean in to hear me wheeze out a story that might be funny if I didn't sound like death. I've found I really don't like pity. I don't deal with it well. Even though I know it's sympathy and not pity it feels like the same thing. I don't want it, my pride detests it. Pride. I have so much of it!! I did not realize it until now but it's hard to control it and it's overbearing. Also, I still cry at annoying things if I miss a dose or don't eat. This state of physical and mental fragility sucks like MegaMaid. Homework is suffocating but it's my own fault for not getting more done before surgery. Another example of my waning mental prowess:absence of forthought. Oh well, I better start looking for a job because there are bills to pay and I won't get one by crying cancer. Back to being someone worthy of this mountain of pride.

The cancer post

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 16:17:30 GMT

Yes, it's official, I have thyroid cancer. They took my thyroid out on Monday. It was a process that was only supposed to take half an hour but ended up being closer to 2 hours because the cancer had spread so far. Then I spent an extra day in the hospital because my parathyroid wasn't working so well and my calcium levels are dangerously low. Treatment for the cancer won't start until early May and hopefully I won't lose my hair. Although, my brother tells me he's been looking for a reason to shave his head. I am home in Dickinson for the weekend because I am just a little overwhelmed. I mean, cancer, really? On the good side, it's the best kind of cancer you can get if you could pick it. It's possible to treat it without chemo immediately and I am young and female so I am in the best group to survive this kind of thing. But still, cancer! Wow. It's a bit hard to focus on life right now other than that big looming word. I am not really sure what to do but just keep smiling. I hate worrying my family and friends, but I feel really loved right now. My mom has half the country praying for me! (No really, I don't think I am exaggerating.) It's weird and really touching. I've always been aware that cancer could happen to me, but so young? Feeling a little blindsided by it all. It may just be the massive amount of narcotics in my system talking, but wow, this is really happening.

Can I put this on my resume? Thyroid cancer survivor? I've always been a bit out of place in the English world because my life is far too happy. I have a great relationship with my family and my friends. I've been healthy and not terribly hideous or hated. No one has died tragically in my life and I consider myself fairly successful in what I do, so I mean, what do I write about? No one wants to hear about how great my life is and I just don't connect with other people's tragedies because my "normal" is other people's "paradise." How lucky can one girl be? My brother tells me to write a book about it and make my first million. But really, what's there to write about? I feel sick, my neck is cut open, and I am being smothered by the love and concern of others. My world is still ridiculously cheery despite the whole cancer thing. Sure, it's scary as hell, but it's not the end of the world or anything. I think my family has this whole problem with laughing at our difficulties so it doesn't seem so bad. I don't know yet what my nickname will be but I guarantee by the end of the week they will be calling me something cutesy referring to my bleeding neck. Weirdos. I am rambling and I blame the narcotics and low calcium (and magnesium.) Anyway, I will make sense of it all later and probably label this post as "oxycodone talking."

Gonna go take another nap. Whoo!

Confirmation

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 21:28:23 GMT

The last couple days have been eventful. Yesterday my neck started to swell and hurt something fierce, which is to be expected when you've been stabbed 6 times. I finally couldn't put up with it anymore and went in to the E.R. this morning. The roads were much clearer than I expected and now I have oxycodone instead of just regular Tylenol. It is such a relief after not sleeping that I slept all day! So yay for stronger pain medication. The bad news is that my endocrinologist called and is pretty sure that it is cancer in my thyroid so I have to schedule surgery soon. It's nothing major, but it's not exactly my favorite way to spend my time and I am really tired of being in constant pain. They better give me oxycontin is all I'm saying. That stuff is miraculous. Also, not excited to be living off of hormones in pill form, but what can ya do? I am joining the rest of the masses in having some form of medication.
*shrugs* Oh well, I guess I'll have a fun scar so now I get to come up with stories. Maybe I'll say I got it from a knife fight with a kangaroo. That's pretty neat.

I've been stabbed in the neck!

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 21:24:19 GMT

No really, that's basically what a biopsy is, in case I didn't explain it. The doctor takes samples of a node by using an ultrasound machine to guide the needle to the right spot. This sounds painful. It is. Well, I guess the first stab was painful because she put a lot of pressure in places that don't like pressure and the next 3 were less painful. The last two she decided to go for a lower node and those were not fun. Fortunately, the doctor and the nurse were ridiculously fun. They both play oboe, you know. It really makes a world of a difference when the staff is friendly and interested in your plight. The doctor did mention that she didn't like the look of my bigger node, so she's going to put a word in to make sure I get my results back by Friday. And for the record, I personally did well, which doesn't sound like much, but it's rather difficult to stay still, not talk or swallow, and rotate your chin accordingly when a needle is in your neck. I would not want to do it again anytime soon, but it's not the end of the world either. I will update again when I know more.

Until then, I am going to be living on Tylenol and wearing a scarf because my neck is all red and sore.

Still waiting

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 19:40:07 GMT

So I saw my ultrasound results today. My left thyroid is rather large and has lesions (craters, basically) with one tumor just hanging out. Next week I am going in for a biopsy so they can see if the node (tumor thingy) is cancerous or not. There is only a 5-8% chance of cancer plus even if it was, thyroid cancer is pretty simple. Tear the thing out, drug me up, and I'll be just fine. I am actually more worried at this point that my symptoms are not related to my thyroid (my blood tests came back normal) and I'm wasting all this time on something that is not the source of my problems. I just kind of want to be me again so its not hard to smile and I don't have to fight back tears all the time. I am starting to think I am too composed because most people would never know how I am struggling with this. I should have gone into theater... :) But it's hard and I am resisting the urge to take a nap so I can do some homework and at least pretend to be a student this semester.

Keepin' ya all updated

Waiting for results

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 16:35:19 GMT

Well I went in yesterday and went through a bunch of tests. My blood work will not come in until tomorrow and I also have an ultrasound scheduled to see just why my thyroid is enlarged. So by tomorrow I will know if it is my thyroid. If it turns out not to be my thyroid I just don't know what could make me this lethargic besides pure and simple depression. Ick. Oh well, I have to schedule an appointment with a counselor just in case and to help deal with my emotional slump. I am kind of excited and kind of nervous all at the same time to meet with a counselor. It's something new but I am afraid to "whine" or "spill my guts" to some total stranger (who does this for a living.) Rawr. I just want to sleep but now I'm afraid I will die in my sleep or something, so I am going to wake up and try to stay awake today. I may even participate in the first half of fencing.

Crushing doubt.

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 02:29:42 GMT

I have been gradually becoming more and more lethargic these past two semesters. At first, I blamed it on senioritis or hating ceramics but I don't think I can say that with all honesty anymore. The last two weeks have been miserable, as in I am so filled with doubt and hate towards myself that I cry myself to sleep miserable. It's honestly not like me and I know I'm being irrational but I just can't help it! It's awful. I don't feel like doing ANYTHING and that includes video games. I derive no enjoyment from any of the usual forms of entertainment that I engage in and I just don't do my homework until the absolute latest and then it's a crappy job. Me, the perfectionist, doing a crappy job. It's so strange. And at the slightest disappointment I burst into tears even in public places. Very embarrassing. I've just been hiding it and covering up my stifling depression with every last ounce of my strength and acting skills. I just say "oh, I'm tired" if anyone mentions that my eyes are red. It's either from crying or from some kind of thyroid problem. Before I left for Christmas break I had a physical and the doctor noticed that my left thyroid was enlarged when compared to my right. She was rather concerned but I was still convinced of my senioritis, so I didn't think much of it until now.
Here are some of my symptoms: Depression- I surround myself by people every chance I get because if I'm left by myself for more than 5 minutes, I burst into tears. Yet, at the same time, I have to force myself to laugh and I don't actually feel as happy as I used to, but it keeps me from crying; Sore eyes, I can't tell if my eyes are puffy outside or swollen inside but I can't wear my contacts comfortably anymore and I actually didn't cry today so I don't think that it's from crying; Lethargy- part of the depression, but if I have a day off, i sleep all day unless I have to do something; Weight gain/no eating- I have been eating particularly well this semester as far as veggies and fruits and milk plus I am in fencing and I have yet to miss a day but I am still gaining weight. It might be from sleeping on weekends but during the week I run myself to exhaustion- which doesn't take much. Some days I have to force myself to eat or else I fall asleep immediately. Anyway, I'm fatter and that sucks; Weakness to cold- all right, I know this place is cold but I FEEL IT so badly I almost won't venture outside to go to class. I keep going because I still have enough will power to go but it's getting harder everyday to leave my dorm; Carpal tunnel- if I put too much pressure on my left wrist I get shooting pains up and down it. It might be because I donate plasma through that arm, but I'm just glad it's not my right hand. Insomnia- I don't sleep well. I mean, I sleep a lot, but I never feel like I do. Jacki noticed that I talk in my sleep, which is normal, but it still worries me a bit because I wake up so exhausted; Stupidity- I can't remember anything or form coherent sentences in class anymore. I usually wrap up in my coat and try to avoid the teacher's gaze because when I talk it doesn't make any sense; Family History- my aunt and my grandma both needed to have their thyroids removed; and obviously, Enlarged gland- I mentioned this earlier but even I can feel that one side is bigger than the other.
I am going in to see the doctor asap because as Travis' quick text says "I can't live like this here!" I don't like being sick. *pout* I finally told Brad about my symptoms so it's been such a relief to have someone cheering me on and researching my problem. I know that any of my friends would be just as concerned but he was the one I took everything out on, so he noticed first. It's a rather embarrassing thing to admit when I try so hard to hide it, but I feel so much better just seeking out a way to get better. So livejournal friends, all like, four of you, cheer me on silently or drop me a message. I would greatly appreciate it. I will keep you updated as I know.

Addicted to cryptograms

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 03:22:59 GMT

I am taking a break from writing to write. It makes perfect sense. I have about 20 pages of my novel to finish by Thursday. YIKES! Also, Thursday I sell my plasma and set up my B.A. show!!! AHHH!! And my parents are coming this weekend for the show but I don't know yet if the gallery is open on weekends. Must find that out. Hmmm. I am horribly behind right now because it seems like everything is happening all at once, but I really enjoy writing what I want to write instead of boring essays. Framing and matting pictures is some kind of small hell for me, but it's almost over. 4 more screws and I'll be done with it all!! Mwhahahah. then I can catch up with my drawing studio class and maybe make a comic! That would be good. March is quickly approaching and grad school applications are due, FAFSA and taxes are still sitting on my desk. I am looking forward to spring break already so I can go home and pretend that college doesn't happen.

Why must I break stuff?

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 16:48:24 GMT

So i have been stressing about my B.A. show coming up next week. I have to mat and frame three pieces, which doesn't sound like much but it's a pain in the butt when you can't cut mat straight with a $220 mat cutting system. No joke. Anywho, i finally got the job done and I go in to the shop to get the back screwed in with a special tool. As I am flipping the frame to work on the back, the glass comes a little out of place. I lift it carefully from one end (don't do it) and of course it shatters. In my hands. I didn't get hurt or anything, but now I have to buy new glass for the frame and that sets me back until next week because I need the shop guy's help doing this!!! RAWR! they were so shocked by my ability to break stuff that they recommended plexiglas instead of actual glass. that's right, I scared the shop guys. There is a reason I read books as a child instead of helping my carpenter father. Stuff breaks when I touch it. A lot.

What is this site?

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 02:10:27 GMT

It has been awhile since I have updated my livejournal. About 2 months. So I am alive and kicking in case you were wondering. I am delightfully busy. I finished last semester without failing so that was nice. I only have 13 credits this semester but it feels like at least 20. The only easy credit thus far is Fencing, but that is physically taxing since I am terribly out of shape. Drawing Studio 405 is lots of painting but also a bunch of creative freedom, so I have been enjoying that when I have time. Art 450:Contemporary Theory and Design sucks pretty hard because it's Comtemporary Theory and Design. I don't like Modernism, okay? Can we all just get over it? Yay, rebuking of tradition and new art, but really, I am all about the narrative, sorry. Call me old fashioned, or you know, trying to make sense but there is ONE abstract artist I care for. One. Tomma Abts, her stuff is great. Jackson Pollock is revolutionary and all, and seeing his paintings in real life is great but that doesn't make him the greatest artist of all time. I am sorry. He throws paint on huge canvases with artist flair. David, Raphael, Leonardo, and even Fragonard would be so confused that great paintings can be done in one day now they would kill themselves again for spending so much time actually painting. Eng 488 is my capstone class and on top of writing a crap ton, I get to do presentations!!! Shoot me. I strongly dislike presenting and I am fully aware that it is part of life, but still, ew. At least I can talk about Howl's Moving Castle and The Wizard of Earthsea. It's a lot better than speaking about the mythological criticism of Shakespeare through the archetypes developed by Northrop Frye.

I finished the coloring book for Medora, so hopefully that will go through and I can get paid. Yay!

In sad news, I am poor.

The End.

Senioritis

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 01:27:55 GMT

Bleh. I don't know why I'm so unmotivated. It's actually kind of disturbing. I am REALLY far behind. I have a due date for ceramics. Friday by Midnight EVERYTHING I need to be fired should be done. So that's 5 mugs and 3 bowls and 3 six inch high cylinders. I have... technically NONE of that done yet. My cylinders are only a 4 inches tall. :( Oh well, it's all just got to be done by Friday night. All I have tomorrow is reciting 10 lines of Shakespeare. If I wake up on time. I've been going to bed on time and sleeping in... what's wrong with me? It better not be depression, because my whole family suffers from it and I DO NOT WANT IT!!! Rawr. More excerise, more water. Make it go away! Just be senioritis, not depression, cause that's scary stuff. Seriously.

My back hurts from wheel throwing. I strongly dislike ceramics.

Watchmen

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 21:41:13 GMT

Just finished reading Watchmen today. Brain fornication under the crown of the king. It's great, a must-read for anyone into graphic novels. It's all been said before and by people wittier than me. I love Rorschach. Insanely awesome character all around. As much as I love Watchmen, I would/could never write something so deep, dark, and psychologically brilliant. I do not want anyone to read a comic of mine and come away feeling so conflicted as I do right now. That is not my goal, I'm more concerned with fluff. I want people to laugh and have hope... to "Never Surrender" ... ... freakin' Alan Moore. Genius.

On another depressing note, Stephenie Meyer has postponed the writing of Midnight Sun indefinitely due to a massive chapter leak. Midnight Sun is a retelling of Twilight from Edward's perspective. Now I may never be privy to what exactly Edward is doing while he watches Bella sleep at night. Damn.

my friends are so cool.

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 01:13:06 GMT

So, for Halloween I didn't have a costume and my friends once again proved how awesome they are by buying me a Twilight Vampire ensemble complete with loads of glitter!! First the DS, now Halloween... what did I do to deserve such amazing people in my life? Oh, did I mention a bunch of my loving buddies pitched in to buy me a crimson and onyx Nintendo DS? Because it's awesome! Awesome awesome awesome!

Although, I have noticed a decrease in my homework production as of late... wonder if there's any correlation?

Good times.

Plus, I can button mash. Yay, Rogue! :P

Video Game P.S. I'm playing FFIII right now and I found the most amusing Chocobo Forest in the existence of all time. On the dwarven island, there is a little patch of trees where you can catch a chocobo and ...run around the outskirts of the forest because there isn't anywhere else to go. Seriously, it's about the size of a half dollar. Why is there a chocobo forest there? There better not be some kind of grand continent upheaval FFVI style. Also, Geomancers have butt ugly clothes, ick. I love Tactics Geomancers, but FFIII, lamezors. In order to get the Onion Knight class, I have to send letters to 7 friends through Nintendo Wi-Fi... That means I have to know 7 people with FFIII/DS... Okay, so I know Dani... and... Katie K. has one....does she have FFIII? Oh well, hopefully I will meet more people soon because I want the onion knight class. Rawr. I can't wait until I can get Dragoons. Favorite class of all time! Seriously, except for whatever the heck Cloud Strife's class was in Tactics, cuz that ruled. And the Calculators, dang, they could do some damage. Ugh, speaking of awesome classes, I somehow deleted my FFV file on my PS1 memory card and I can't show off the gloriousness that is the white mage with kitty ears. Roar of angsty gamer woe. Wow, my post script is longer than my post. Silly video game addiction. Kamehameha!

YAYYYY!!! GOOD DAY!!

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 06:18:16 GMT

So today is officially one of the best days EVAR!!! Unfortunately, that means my homework still needs to get done, but oh well! My friends are the most awesomest people in the world!!! No, really!! They amaze me and are beautiful and I love them!!! So much!!! Nine of these amazing people chipped in to buy me a Nintendo DS and that makes me smile and cry out of weepy joy. My 23rd birthday, a day I planned on just being a low key homework day turned out to be one of the most memorable birthdays of all timezors! Well, it definitely competes with my 16th birthday when I received my PS2, but I was really expecting that. I was certainly not expecting the DS and now my legs hurt from the dancing that I break into randomly out of joy. I'm going to come down off of this high tomorrow, but oh well, for now I am ecstatic!! 3 hoorahs for the bestest friends in the whole wide world. Expect personalized thank you cards!! No really, this is a happy Marie after having a happy day. Although, my mommy never called me... :( Oh well, now I can guilt trip her up the whoozah!! (how the heck is that spelled!)

Thank you everyone for making my low key day filled with jumps for joy. I'm not going to sleep ever again because I'll be busy making a man throw up goldfish (Feel the Magic - it's a crazy DS game, let me tell you.) Oh, and I have Phantom Hourglass as well, so huzzah!! I feel so loved...

Blarghity Blargh Blargh

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 17:48:50 GMT

I am seriously ill and unfortunate right now. Woe is me. To begin with, there was a very important meeting I HAD to attend for Comic Club (supplemental funding!!) and I wrote it down in my calendar as Tuesday Oct. 20 at 9:30 a.m. Think about that. Today is Tuesday Oct. 21. So 2:00 am this morning (the 21st) I realize my folly and proceed to roll about my bed in shame and loathing because I have failed to attend the meeting that I needed to go to!!

Next, I go to class this morning - Shakespeare - and watch in horror the professor calls for us to hand in our papers. A paper that I THOUGHT was due on Thursday... but was actually due today - Tuesday October BLOODY 21st. So my grade will just be docked and I will hand it on Thursday as planned, but why the hell I imagined it was due on Thursday I'll never know, because there is nowhere that I have it written due any date but today. Idiot.

My stomach still refuses to digest food without putting up an angry fight. This has been compounded by the fact that I am an idiot and I'm trying to deal with multiple failures on my part to meet due dates. RAWR!! ANGST!

Finally (dare I say finally because this day is far from over!) I come back to my room because Kise disgusts me and I turn on my computer - which I have back from the shop only recently. I leave to relieve myself and return to find my white cursor floating on a completely black screen. I can move the cursor but there is nothing to click. I nearly died at that moment. I screamed some choice obscenities at my computer because I'll be darned if the thing quits on my TODAY OF ALL FREAKIN DAYS! TUESDAY OCT BLOODY PRINCE OF DARKNESS 21ST!!!!! Save me Bonanza!

Clearly, my obscenities worked because I'm posting this now, but the affront is still there and it will be some time before I forgive my computer for its audacity in choosing today to pull such a prank. Well, back to work, I have a project that needs working on that I have to go to critique for tomorrow... so I can't work on that paper that was due this morning. Curses. My pot better not dare to break during the pit-firing tonight.

On a happier note, I beat Odin Sphere.

Who does that?

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 05:57:29 GMT

So I love Skip Beat. This is fact. It's a manga about this girl, Kyoko, and her journey to becoming an actress through various hilarious and depressing motivations (first it's revenge, then actual interest, and finally...well it's not over yet.) I love it so much. It's silly and sometimes sad but all kinds of wonderful. Unfortunately, I have a beef with the artist and the way she draws her characters. I grew up with Sailor Moon and other anime but non of them are as deformed as Skip Beat's charaters. Just take a look. Highlighted in green is a normal model.

Why is everyone so monstrously tall? Ahh!!!! And that model is probably taller than average and skinnier... they are freakishly tall...

He's not even shiny!

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 06:32:00 GMT

Heeeeee!

Frustrations of a mere mortal.

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 20:21:26 GMT

I am struggling with my latest art project. It's a self-portrait, but not just "look in the mirror and draw" but "illustrate what defines you" kind of thing. It's hard. I don't know what I'm doing with it, yet... and I think I'm supposed to be working on my final draft for tomorrow's critique... ick. Oh well, so I'm off to a slow start. Hopefully, my professor will just let me draw comics the rest of the semester...that would make me happy.

grr...argh.